Should I use time-outs for my child?
Part 1: Understanding “time-outs” and whether they are appropriate to manage your child’s behavior
Chances are you have likely utilized some form of “time-out” or have questioned the best way to follow through with consequences for undesired, unsafe, or frustrating child behavior. Maybe time-outs were effective for you growing up or effective for another child. If you are curious about the best ways to reduce negative child behavior and teach your child healthy coping and skills, it is important to know some facts about child development and the brain. The thing is…what might work best for one caregiver, child, or situation may differ, however it can be helpful to highlight some ways that time-outs may or may not be helpful or healthy for your child’s development and coping.
In general, modeling/teaching the appropriate skills to replace the problematic behavior is most effective and most supported by research. This positive reinforcement (teaching/reinforcing the learning and practice of appropriate behaviors) aligns with how your child’s brain copes and learns and can improve their functioning over time. While time-out procedures or other forms of punishment may teach a child what they “should not do,” they will still need to learn the coping or behavior regulation skills needed for that situation in the future. If the skill isn’t taught or developed, the cycle of negative behavior/consequence may continue and/or worsen over time. So what do you do in the moment when you need to intervene or step-in for unwanted, unsafe, or inappropriate behavior? You can check out more information here, How Can I use Rewards and Consequences Part:1.
Research has shown that time-out procedures can be effective for some children or for some behaviors. After all, following through with consequences and boundary setting is important and necessary for children. The goal: Time-out procedures must be used intentionally, properly, and be paired with other consistent and supportive techniques for coping. Sounds simple when you are in the moment or frustrated, right? Don’t worry about saying or doing the perfect thing, as the goal is balance. Following through with consequences is appropriate in the moment and it is not necessary to work on skill building in a moment of crisis. The goal is to think about the need of the situation, so when the storm has passed, you can gradually teach or model the skill that may reduce that behavior in the future. If you have contemplated using time-outs, it is first important to think about the purpose or goal of the time-out when you are not in a time of crisis. Essentially, think of a time-out as a form of “consequence,” rather than the only strategy.
Time-out procedures can be harmful and inappropriate in the majority of cases, as caregivers may use them inconsistently, inappropriately, and/or out of frustration. After all, caregivers and parents are human too, so it is important to think about what your needs are in the moment and whether time-outs or another consequence can help. Prior to listing the “do’s,” which will be highlighted in Part:2 of this blog next week, let’s look at some of the common time-out mistakes. Ultimately, time-outs should be used sparingly, minimally, and intentionally, not reactively.
What to avoid when using time-outs:
The “Go to time-out!!”
Utilizing the time-out only when frustrated or angry and not clearly specifying the behavior of concern.
If you are utilizing a time-out as a consequence of removing the child from reinforcing, fun, or desired activities, it is important that the behavior/consequence is clearly linked for the child. For example, rather than saying “go to time-out,” be specific by saying, “you are having a hard time using safe hands with your brother, sit over here for a minute to take a break.” The consequence should be linked to the behavior before settings in which the behavior is most likely to occur.
The “I need a breather…”
Sending a child to time-out for a long period of time to get a break for yourself.
Yes, as caregivers, you do need a break and self-care is needed and necessary. However, utilizing time-outs or threats for time-outs for this purpose can increase negative child behaviors and does not help you or your child’s coping in the future. In fact, some children now learn this is the most efficient way to get out of a situation or get attention from a parent. The child brain learns best when there are brief and immediate exposures to consequences that fit the behavior and development. Time-outs are meant to be brief and fit with your child’s age (e.g., think 1 minute per year old). These “I need a break” moments can actually be natural opportunities to c0-regulate with your child and practice strategies that might help you both in the moment, rather than a prolonged period of isolation. If you need breaks throughout the day, label these moments with your child and model the importance of self-care. For more information, check out this blog, How can I help my child improve self-regulation?
The “empty threat.”
Threatening a timeout and not following through.
Empty threats for time-outs are also not effective despite how natural they feel in the moment to use. The goal is to teach that if there is a boundary or clear expectation (e.g., if you jump on the couch with your sneakers, you will have to sit down in a chair until your body is ready) than there is a consequence. This is a helpful and necessary skill and helps build accountability and motivation for children to learn, adapt, and cope. Children are intuitive and your ability to set boundaries may lose power over time.
The “I’m stuck on you.”
Carrying on about the negative behavior after the time-out has occurred.
The time-out should be the consequence, not simply a start of continued negative interactions for the rest of the day. As caregivers and adults, if we are still having hard time processing or coping with the strong emotion that the child’s behavior triggered, we will continue to focus on it. The brain naturally focuses on things that produce a strong emotional reaction. The time-out itself should be opportunity to link behavior-consequence and the child should have an opportunity for positive interactions after it is over.
The “caregiver vent”
Giving lengthy explanations of the behavior while the child is in the timeout.
As mentioned, time-outs should be a clearly linked and expected consequence for a specific behavior, rather than a spur of the moment strategy. Historically, time-outs were developed as a form of “time-out from reinforcement,” thus if you are continuing to engage with the child, the purpose changes. More importantly, if children are mad, dysregulated, or having big feelings that might produce “time-out” behavior, their brain is not able to process complex ideas or thoughts effectively in the moment. The part of the brain that processes emotional experiences is firing for the child, and they are not able to process the rational/verbal parts of the adult brain in the moment. Thus, keeping it short and sweet is best (e.g., you hit your brother, hitting is not safe, you are done playing with the trucks today).
Follow along for “Part:2 How to effectively use time-outs” next week!
Have questions or looking to learn more information? Contact Dr. Bobal today!