How Can I Help My Child Improve Self-Regulation?
Children and adolescents learn to regulate their behavior and emotions by first co-regulating with trusted adults
Do you remember the first day you sat behind the wheel to drive? It was likely a mixture of nerves, excitement, and pure terror. Will I be okay? Will I be a natural? What obstacles do I need to anticipate? You may have first observed your caregivers driving, then learned the facts about cars and safe driving, practiced with an adult, and continually learned over time. While at first you may have felt the nerves and had no idea what you were doing, driving has likely become so automatic you don’t even have to process the skills, or the green light you just passed through. Driving a car, riding a bike, playing an instrument, and even parenting are all examples of activities that we don’t just naturally pick up, despite our desire or preparation to do so. We need to practice. As adults we are not expected to instantly know how to do new and complex things. We approach self-regulation skills in the way we approach other skills. Children need to learn and continually practice how to regulate their emotions and behavior in the context of supportive relationships. Just when we might master one skill, a new situation will arise that requires us to adapt and respond. Thus, learning to self-regulate is a developmental and continual process.
Understanding the basics of how a child’s brain learns can help, as merely teaching “skills” to regulate behavior is not sufficient. Self-Regulation is the ability to manage emotions and behavior in a given situation. Think of it as a person’s ability to manage their attention, focus, and emotions well enough to complete necessary tasks, organize thoughts or behavior, problem solve, or control impulses. It can include having to resist the impulse to have a big emotional reaction, adjust to change, handle frustration, or calm when upset. We aren’t born knowing how to regulate. In fact, the part of the brain that helps us regulate aspects of our behavior is not fully developed until our late 20’s. Thus, self-regulation is a developmental process that first starts with co-regulating with trusted loved ones.
Co-regulation is the process by which adults interact in a calm and responsive manner that supports, coaches, or models how to regulate in given situations. Think of it as the calming supportive presence that helps you navigate a scary feeling or situation. Even as infants, children learn through repetition and through the support of their caregivers. Not only is repetition helpful, it actually changes the way the brain reacts and responds to given situations. Think of it like a muscle. When the brain is continually exposed to a situation or practices a skill, it becomes stronger. Like any skill, before we can expect children to master it, they first learn developmentally through the help of loved ones.
Ways to co-regulate with your child that aligns with their brain development
Co-regulate first by checking in with yourself. In order for children and adolescents to develop an awareness of their brain and body, they must first feel safe in challenging or new environments. “Co” means you are also involved, so it is important as the caregiver to check in with your self and honor your own emotions in given situations. If you notice your child or adolescent having a hard time coping or simply regulating their behavior, this is your opportunity to co-regulate with your adult brain and skills. Your presence is powerful, yet you are also human and have your own emotional reactions to triggering environments. While a child may be engaging in a problematic behavior, take a second to reflect after the moment on your feelings (e.g., crying is triggering for me and I get frustrated) and what the child may have needed in that moment (e.g., understanding boundaries and not hitting a peer when frustrated). Let these reflections shape future interactions. If you know that your child’s hitting or crying is particularly triggering for you, think about what can help you navigate supporting your child in these situations. In order for us to first co-regulate, we must be aware of our own behavior and emotions and ensure we are taking care of ourselves.
Teach/model skills naturally throughout the day, not during times of distress. Children benefit from learning developmentally appropriate facts about the brain throughout daily interactions. Therefore, do not feel pressure to always “teach a skill” in the moment. Through day-to-day repetition, children can build language for understanding behavior and emotions. The goal is to teach the basics about how we have feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and our brain helps us regulate them. For example, as a caregiver you can model your own internal dialogue when navigating a new situation by saying, “My brain is having a hard time focusing with that loud noise, I’m going to walk away to a quiet room to concentrate.” Children are innately observant and will pick up on these modeling moments. Teach the skills when the brain is in a calm state in order for the brain to utilize it another time.
Make the facts relevant/relatable and model when appropriate. Provide safe and teachable moments in new and challenging environments. Children do not develop self-regulation skills by merely avoiding the situations where they have the hardest time regulating behavior and emotions. Avoidance simply delays and/or worsens emotional responses in many situations. If a child has a hard time regulating their behavior in a quiet setting, then help them practice in quiet settings. It is important for children to understand it is okay to make mistakes and have big feelings, and that a trusted adult is there to support them with trying new regulation/coping skills. For example, if a child is worried and breathing heavily, a caregiver can match the rhythm of the child’s breath and slowly calm the child by slowing their own breath (no words needed). A caregiver can also use their own words to narrate a child’s experience, such as “Your body looks like it is feeling tired right now before school, let’s do a few jumps to get your brain started.”
Normalize the learning experience. It is important for children to know it is okay to listen to their body or brain. Many children benefit from taking brain/body breaks to recharge and energize. It is also important for children to learn and normalize all feelings, as feelings give us helpful information. Feelings are okay, some behaviors are not. When practicing self-regulation skills, children will develop a greater sense of understanding when and how to listen to their body and what skills they can utilize. Children learning to regulate their bodies (and adults who have these skills) are not meant to “on” all day long. Continue to practice and praise children when you see attempts and/or successes with these skills, as well as normalizing the times that are tough to navigate.
Link skills to goals. While your child may not always see the importance of regulating in specific environments (let’s be real, sometimes yelling just feels good when frustrated, or running across the classroom is a thrill), the goal is to link how regulating certain behavior and having awareness of emotions contributes to success with their goals. For example, if your child has goals to join the marching band, they must learn to regulate their behavior as part of a communal group, communicate effectively, and to express their needs. If they enjoy playing with friends, they must learn about boundaries, communicating frustrations, and turn-taking as part of friendships. Make it relevant to their personal experience! This will increase motivation to try new skills, as well as help them learn when and how they can get their needs met.
Have questions about self-regulation training or Behind the Behavior Psychology? Looking to schedule an appointment? Contact Dr. Bobal today!