How can I use time-outs effectively?
Part 2: How to use time-outs in a way that supports child development and coping
To learn whether time-outs are appropriate for your child’s development, behavior, or situation, check out Should I use time-outs for my child? Part 1: Understanding “time-outs” and whether they are appropriate to manage your child’s behavior. Next step is to break down the time-out in order to use it as part of your approach to reduce undesired behavior, rather than the sole strategy. Remember, the goal is to work with your child’s natural brain development to foster an environment where they can routinely and repetitively practice skills in a safe way.
First, let’s take a look at the history of the term. A “time-out” is actually a term for “time out from reinforcement,” meaning that the strategy itself is grounded as a form of using punishment to shape behavior. Thus, time-outs should be used intentionally and predictably as part of a positive means of supporting child behavior and not the only consequence. If time-out is used inappropriately in the long term, without other strategies, you may actually reinforce negative behaviors or habits, such as your child’s tendency to hide feelings, withhold asking questions, or develop fear responses. Without an opportunity to learn and routinely practice healthy ways of coping or other appropriate behaviors, children may develop other unhealthy or negative habits. Why?
Children do not learn best from fear or isolation, they learn best from positive, consistent opportunities to learn and build new skills in a safe environment. Behavioral responses grounded in fear are activated from a different part of the brain than the logical, planning, thinking part of the brain that children develop over time to navigate and cope with day-to-day life.
Time-outs are used as a brief and structured means of removing a child from something that is reinforcing. If a child is not receiving positive reinforcement frequently and consistently (see How to Improve my Child’s Behavior: The Power of Positive Attention for some ideas on how to do this) time-out will not be an effective means for managing challenging behavior. It is important to note that every child, within and across families, is different and it is beneficial to discuss the use of time-out procedures with your child’s psychologist or pediatric providers. Overall, here are a few general tips if you need to utilize a time-out from specific environments.
Ways to utilize time-outs that are appropriate for your child’s development and socio-emotional functioning
Positive First. As mentioned, time-outs should not be used as the primary strategy for a consequence. Time-outs from positive reinforcement must always be paired with other co-regulation or skill-building opportunities. Time-outs are most effective when there is an abundance of positive parent/child interactions during the rest of the day—which should be the frontline strategy. Time-outs should be used predictably and your child should be able to link their actions with why they are taking a break from an environment. During other non-time-out moments, it is important to focus on what you do innately, which is spending quality time with your child and focusing on opportunities to help them learn skills. Try to label and notice positive efforts, acknowledge appropriate replacement behaviors and attempts, and catch them being good. What you do outside of the time-out event (increase the positive) is what makes the time-out (removal from the positive) a potentially effective consequence.
Age appropriateness. Research on time-out procedures highlights that if effectively used, time-outs can be most beneficial for children around the developmental age of 2-6 years. Other consequences, such as removal of privileges (e.g., phone usage, screen time, breaks, skill building etc.) may be better options for older children and adolescents. Time-outs should typically last no longer than one minute per year of developmental age. Once your child is seated calmly in a designated time-out space, set a visual timer where they can see it. If your child is unable to sit or regulate appropriately, pause the timer and wait (providing minimal reinforcement/attention) until they are calm or you co-regulate, then begin the timer. Your presence should be of a “calm leader” which can help your child calm without providing reinforcing attention to their challenging behavior. Once a timer is set, don’t add extra time.
Predictability. Time-outs should never be a surprise. Children should be aware of expectations in a developmentally appropriate manner, so when a consequence is needed, they are able to understand why. When your child engages in a challenging or unsafe behavior, give a warning, such as, “Chairs are for sitting. To stay safe, sit in the chair. If you stand, you will go to time-out.” If your child is jumping on the couch, state what you want them to do rather than what you do not want them to do. If the expectation is developmentally appropriate and they still engage in behavior, use a warning and follow through with a time-out. Children benefit from learning to navigate and follow boundaries, however their brain naturally will push or challenge boundaries as a way to test out the environment and learn. Thus, time-outs can be a predictable way to teach consequences for behavior, as long as children also have opportunities to practice and learn appropriate alternatives.
Brevity. Provide a brief and concrete reason for the time-out. It is common and developmentally appropriate for young children to struggle with comprehending long adult reasoning, especially if they are being removed from a preferred activity. The part of the brain that controls non-verbal, emotional reasoning is firing, and thus they are not in a space to listen to the logical, verbal part of the adult brain. Therefore, keep reasons for time-out brief. A good rule of thumb is 1-2 short sentences. Reasons should be calm direct statements (and not questions like “why?”) to avoid getting into a power struggle. For example, you can say, “Hitting is not okay, I am putting you in time-out for 3 minutes to keep your sister safe and to wait for your body to feel calm. When done you can try again.”
Timing. Time-outs need to happen immediately, or as close to the misbehavior as possible. Studies of human behavior highlight how consequences are most effective when linked to the behavior of question. Immediate consequences (not hours or days after) allow your young child to better link the inappropriate behavior to the undesired consequence. The child brain is still navigating to link time and long term reasoning. The longer the time in between a behavior and consequence, the less effective it will be. If you are in an environment where you are unable to implement a time-out (e.g., grocery store) there may be better behavior management strategies that can help. See Strategies to Improve Child Attention and Behavior for some tips.
Follow through. To avoid making empty threats, always follow through. It is important that time-outs do not become threats or bribes. If you give a warning (see # 2), follow through. This helps build credibility and helps your child understand that specific inappropriate or unsafe behaviors have consequences and other more appropriate behaviors may give them access to what it is they want/need. If they do not learn to experience consequences and cope with the feelings they may have related to these consequences, they may continue to struggle with learning the regulation and coping skills needed to navigate similar experiences in the future. Adult caregiver structure is comforting for children, as their brains are seeking patterns and ways of making sense of the world. If you calmly, consistently, and predictably create these opportunities, it can help reduce anxiety or fear responses about the “what will happen,” as a result of some behavior.
Environment matters. Consistent with the notion that time-outs should not be a surprise, it is important to have a designated, predictable time-out spot that is free of distractions. The classic “go to your room!” is likely not helpful as rooms filled with toys or other comforts can be a reinforcing environment (e.g., full of toys, escape from an unpleasant environment, etc.) and actually preferred by your child. Therefore, they may intentionally engage in problematic behavior, simply because they want to escape to their room. Avoidance of bedrooms or other areas where a child has access to preferred items or attention, may not be effective spots. Instead, try and find a neutral area (hall way with chair, dining room, etc.) that can be better controlled and have fewer distractions.
Reduce reinforcement. Time-outs are “time outs from positive reinforcement.” Therefore, it is important to not give your child excessive attention during time-outs. Remember, even negative attention (yelling, lecturing) is attention. Sometimes, children may engage in problematic behavior because they enjoy getting 1:1 time from a parent in the time-out area, regardless if it is negative. As noted in # 3, avoid the lecture, provide a brief, concrete statement about the reason for time-out, and reduce any additional attention to the negative behavior during the duration of the time-out. Of course, you can monitor your child, however, attempt to keep a calm, neutral face/tone and avoid giving any additional attention until the time-out is over. If the child leaves the time-out or is unable to regulate their body in the time-out area, you can sit/stand with them, model appropriate behavior (e.g., slow your breath, belly breathing), reduce eye contact or talking back , and model a calm body. Rather than reinforcing attention to the negative behavior that put them there, you are modeling and teaching co-regulation skills. If the child shows attempts to practice coping skills (e.g., breathing) you can reinforce these skills. Of note, for children who have experienced trauma, time-outs may be triggering. Thus, other strategies, such as co-regulation or coping spaces with an adult can be more appropriate than time-out from reinforcement. Ask your child’s provider what may be most supportive.
Calm Leader. When the timer stops, so do you. It is important to remember (which is naturally tough if you are frustrated, exhausted, or angry) that when a time-out is over, the time-out consequence for that behavior is over. While we are all human, it is important to remember not to take lingering frustrations out on your child after the time-out is served. This means that lectures should not follow the time-out and the child should have access to regular positive reinforcement and engagement. If you feel that the child is unable to navigate the environment again after the time-out due to hitting/unsafe behavior or broken family rule, it is okay to put a boundary on that activity for the time/day and encourage them to try again later/tomorrow. You can then guide them to another activity. You can use language like, “Good job taking a time-out. Your body showed me you are not ready to play baseball with your brother using safe hands, so let’s try again tomorrow. Here is something else we can do for now.” In the meantime, focus on natural skill building/coping strategies in other environments to help set your child up for success in this environment again.
Have questions or looking to learn more information? Contact Dr. Bobal today!