5 parenting tips to ease the back-to-school stress

1. Check in with yourself

   • The start of a new school year can be anxiety inducing for caregivers too. There is the pressure for you to restart old routines, some of which you weren’t even sure worked in the first place, as well as the anticipation of new activities, schedules, and everyone’s favorite….homework. Children and teens are incredibly intuitive and can pick up on caregiver stress. If they are not sure where it is coming from, they may come up with their own explanations for it. Take a few moments to check in with yourself to analyze the routines that may change for you and/or identify the routines that are working (and you’d like to prioritize). This is a good place to start before you start thinking about your child’s changing schedule.

   • Quick Tip: Grab a hard copy calendar and write out big milestones, meetings, and events for your family for the rest of summer and the school year. Already have one? Great, you can add important school dates, as well as anything they are looking forward to (e.g., start of baseball, school break in fall). Only use electronic calendars? Consider using a hard copy family calendar in a high traffic area in your home. It helps create predictability and accountability for everyone and the visual format keeps everyone on the same page when change gets hectic. For more parenting tips during family change, check out this blog.

2. Listen and Validate

   • If your child expresses worry, anxiety, or concerns with going back to school, it is parent instinct to want to calm and limit distress. Your child may express or show anxiety about things like new teachers, changes to pervious friendships, a new school, changing expectations, homework, or even changes in routines. When you have the opportunity, listen. Try not to dismiss any reported or suspected fears (e.g. “You have nothing to worry about, your teacher is nice!”) and instead, listen, validate, and sit with the feeling before jumping in to problem solving mode. If your child’s resistance to school or anxiety is overwhelming and prolonged, consult with their mental health professional or consider an evaluation to get proactive about specific strategies that work for them. Unfortunately, summer breaks from school can worsen anxiety, even if symptoms were not present during summer. Absence or avoidance of school or school stressors over the summer can reinforce anxiety. Listen to their worries or keep an eye out to observe any behaviors that could help provide insight into their thoughts. From here, you can learn what to prep/prioritize.

   • Quick Tip: If your child does not openly identify or talk about worries, set up natural opportunities to talk about school. Remember that calendar? Have your child or teen pick their own color marker and outline activities, extracurriculars, or events to look forward to. Not sure of schedule or teachers just yet? Create your own predictability/routine. Recruit your child’s perspective on creating a fun “school time” routine, such as a school shopping date, rearranging their room for new supplies, or going out to breakfast. By establishing natural moments where the topic may come up, it reduces any anxiety about “talking about feelings” and can lead to open communication.

3. Small prep is good prep

   • With any goal or transition, small habit changes are your best friend. Adjusting to school routines are a big change for everyone and abrupt changes to sleep, eating, or activity habits may cause increased anxiety, irritability, or outbursts. Assess one or two priority habits that have changed or will have a big impact. Screen time? Sleep? Dinner schedules? Some families may do well with planning for change (e.g., “next week we are setting an earlier bed time”), yet for many, it may be more of a challenge. Consider replacing any “non-school habits” with a more appropriate activity prior to school. For example, if you’d like to get your child use to not having screen time during the day, pick one or two days a week where they are engaged in an activity where they cannot be on their phone (play date, school shopping, productivity time).

   • Quick Tip: For young children, incorporate themes of school (e.g., prepping stuffed animals/toys for bus, packing a backpack) into play. They can walk you through what it would it be like as this gives them a sense of mastery and control over something that seems “scary” or new. Ask your child’s school about an opportunity to tour the school/classroom prior to the first day. For older students, consider reinstating school routines 1-2 weeks prior to school starting. For sleep schedules, start small and encourage shifting schedules back 20 minutes earlier each night. If your child was expected to do summer work, set aside 20 minutes (rather than hours on end cramming), 1-2 days a week during normal homework times. Looking for more independence? Recruit your teen’s perspective on what they think will help, such as taking responsibility of making lunches, setting own alarms, or only having screen time after homework. For older students, recruiting their perspective gives them a sense of mastery and independence, which is what their brain is craving. If they think that their proposed screen time schedule will not impact their productivity, have them “test it out” a few weeks before school. Check out this blog for screen time tips.

4. Recruit a Team

   • You know your child best. If you anticipate your child will struggle with adjusting back to school or if it is important your child has certain support systems in place, reach out to your child’s school team a 1-2 weeks before school. Children with Individualized Education Plans, 504 Plans, or other accommodation/behavior plans may experience changes in summer months, which will be helpful for the school to know. If your child does not have a structured plan and you are worried about separation anxiety or a big transition, recruit a support person at the school. This communication can help in many ways. When “prepping” for a transition, you can provide facts and healthy expectations about what to expect, such as, “I hear you are worried about not knowing where your next class is. Ms. J will meet you off the bus and walk you to your new class.” Sometimes, your child may not need an in-depth plan, yet it would be helpful for the teacher to keep an eye on any symptoms or to have greater insight into behavior concerns. Rather than perceiving your child has withdrawing from peers or noncompliant, they can provide support for any anxiety or other needs.

   • Quick Tip: Send a short email to your child’s teacher or school team providing any important updates. If there is a specific area that will be important to address (e.g., “my child is anxious about walking upstairs to new middle school” or “there is a new medication regimen”) provide this insight and ask about options/preferences for communication. Teachers are human too and are also adjusting/planning for a new year. Therefore, it will be important to be concise and specific about key information. The goal is collaboration and communication. Your child may cope and behave differently in the school setting, so learning about strategies and options at school can help create predictability for anxious students.

5. Build Emotional Resiliency

   • It is normal for there to be some anxiety with change. However, if your child would benefit from additional support to build their capacity to cope with change or specific aspects of school, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or school provider to discuss options or strategies. The goal with supporting any anxious child with back-to-school change, is to send the message that “yes this will be (insert emotion here) and you/we will get through this together.” Building the capacity and skill to cope with stress and change is important, as this pattern is lifelong. There will always be a “problem” in life, yet what we want to teach is that there are always “solutions,” to get through those problems. For anxious children, it helps to know that they have the tools to navigate this or that someone is there to help them, even if they are worried.

   • Quick Tip: Consider a language shift at home by using the power of “and.” While it is important to listen to your child’s fears/worries/emotions and validate them, it is also important to help them develop the capacity to grow comfortable with learning what emotions are “telling” them, rather than “avoiding” them. All emotions are important, as we want to learn how to activate the “thinking brain” in knowing what to do to keep us safe, healthy, and growing. When your boss tells you, “I like what you did on this project, but, we need to work on efficiency for the next big deadline,” your brain naturally focusses on everything after the “but,” thus, invalidating the original positive statement/efforts. Let’s try this: “I like what you did on this project, and, we can work on efficiency for the next big deadline.” Using “and” language helps model that we can have strong/conflicting feelings about something and work through it. It also sends the message that we can focus on the good while also improve areas of weakness, or that two opposing ideas can exist together in the same space (“I am excited to see my friends and also be really anxious about grades”). For more information and tips, check out this blog.

Have questions or concerns about how to support your child? Contact Dr. Bobal today!