Why do kids lie?
Why does my child lie and what can I do to stop it?
Most caregivers think that children lie in order to get something they want or to avoid something they don’t want (a consequence). While these are common motivations, there are many other reasons why a child or teen might bend, or straight-up make up, the truth. Not all early lying leads to unhealthy patterns of deviance and deceit, yet it is important to learn more about lies and ways to navigate them based on your child’s development. Things to know:
Lying is a part of normal and healthy brain development at a young age
From a developmental perspective, lying in young children is actually one of the first signs their brain is developing. Children typically begin lying in the toddler and preschool years (approximately 2-5 years of age). While these intentional fibs or elaborate false-isms may appear to be a cause of concern, it is actually one of the first signs that a child’s brain is beginning to develop an awareness of “others.”
This begins the process of what is called “theory of mind,” which is the brains ability to understand that other people have different thoughts, feelings, and desires. You see, up to this point the child’s brain is egocentric, meaning that they believe that their thoughts/feelings/beliefs are the same as everyone else. While lying can be socially alarming as a caregiver, it is the first sign that your child is beginning to explore and have the ability to understand what others are thinking and feeling, which is an important social skill. Rather than focus on the lie, you can utilize these moments to help build empathy and healthy ways to communicate and problem solve. Not sure where to start? Consider the following tips based on your child or teens development:
Most common types of lies based on development:
Toddler/Preschool Years: Young children’s lies can often come off more humorous than effective. At this age, children typically give themselves away when lying, because lying is really just a means for testing out their environment and the reactions from loved ones. Young children are more likely to lie for personal gain, such as exploring with boundaries, avoiding a consequence, or talking about a preferred topic. Their brains are discovering all these new ideas and they are testing them out to see what happens. Do any of these sound familiar?
“I didn’t eat the chocolate, I promise,” while they have a mouth full of chocolate and melted evidence on their cheeks.
“I don’t know who drew on the carpet, it was the dog,” as they stand above their scribed initials.
“I met a unicorn at school today and we had a tea party with fairies.”
Elementary Years: Older children begin to improve in their ability to maintain a lie and/or “grow out” of lying as their perspective taking ability develops. Their brains are starting to differentiate the kind of lies that are more believable or they avoid lying due to fear or shame. This is an important stage as moral development is kicking in. Children are now experimenting with lies due to future or more complex thinking, such as anticipating feeling badly about themselves if they lie. If older children are lying, it is much more about avoiding an undesired outcome or not knowing how to respond after an impulsive action, such as stating they did their homework when they did not or when they are unable to explain the outburst they had towards a younger sibling. In elementary school, children become better at maintaining lies so your reaction and follow through are important. Think of lying like any behavior. Rather than focus on the lie, focus on what you want to increase, which is the truth. Minimizing focus on the lie does not mean that lies do not have consequences. See further info below.
Middle and High School Years: Pre-teen and teen lies continue to grow in sophistication as the adolescent brain is now able to draw distinctions between a range of lies and their outcomes. While the frequency of lying amongst teenagers is low compared to young children, the types and levels of lying grow increasingly more personal. Teenagers report lying to their caregivers most about social things, such as peers, partners, and experimentation with new things. Teenage years are also when the brain becomes more socially savvy and they begin to experiment with “white lies” to avoid making someone feel bad. While this may not come as as surprise, it is important to now see how your early responses to lying play a necessary role in the teenage stage. As lying becomes more personal it can also lead to scenarios that being to hurt or harm others.
Caregivers and teachers can support young children’s truth-telling in a few different ways. It is important to remember that different types/levels of lies mean different strategies or consequences.
For attention seeking lies (“My teacher gave me a million dollars today for winning the race at recess”)
For low-level lies or exaggerations, minimal attention to the lie is important. Avoid excessive punishments or consequences. Some research shows that severe punishments can lead to more effective liars as children get better at avoiding an undesired consequence. For attention seeking lying it can he helpful to ignore the lie and make a gentle/neutral redirection. Rather than stating, “That is not true, lying is bad"” try “You won a race today at school, that is exciting!" Some children lie from a place of low-self esteem and lying can build up a sense of pride or importance. The lies typically aren’t hurting anyone, but a pattern can become destructive. Ignoring and redirecting with a factual truth (that still boosts self-esteem in a healthy way) is more effective than punishment.
For moral lying (“I didn’t eat that candy, my brother did”)
If the lie is really a lie, caregivers and teachers can begin to be more transparent and follow through is important. This is an important teaching phase. In a neutral manner, begin to model truth telling and open dialogue, even if there is a consequence. Consider the “sportscaster” or “narrator” approach by labeling the inappropriate lie and encouraging your child to try again. The neutrality and boundary setting is important here. “It sounds like this is not truthful, I need you to try again and tell me what really happened.” Children may not follow through on this immediately and it may take several times for them to grow comfortable with sharing truths, particularly if it is related to impulsive behavior. If they tell the truth, praise the truth and follow through on a consequence/skill building opportunity to avoid to behavior they are lying about in the future. The goal is for them to realize that truth telling reduces consequences. Praise the truth first, then provide an appropriate consequence for the behavior if necessary.
For personal lying (“I did all my homework for the week”)
If lies begin to grow increasingly personal and serious, it is important to hold boundaries and have consequences. It is important to be clear about boundaries and expectations for lies so consequences don’t come out of the blue. Like all consequences, follow-through on lying with teenagers should be short-lived and appropriately linked to the behavior. Short-lived consequences do not mean a light sentence. It just allows time for the teenager to get back to practicing better behaviors and habits rather then having them grow angry and rebellious. If a child lies abut homework, they must miss out on a desirable event and complete all the work. If screen time is hidden, remove access to screens and have them engage in a family activity or chore. If a child hits someone at the park, have them write a letter or pay it forward. Still praise the truth if it comes out.
For impulsive lying (“I didn’t do that")
Normalize truth checks. If you catch your child and teen in a clear lie, allow your child to have a chance to tell the truth up to one time. For example, “I talked to your teacher today and know that you did not hand in 3 assignments this week. I am going to walk away for 5 minutes and when I come back I will ask you again and then we can work towards figuring out what to do.” This is a helpful strategy for children and teens who are more impulsive and may engage in a behavior without fully thinking and/or thinking before they speak. Children with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are prone to impulsive lying as their bodies and brains may act or begin speaking before thinking things through. Children and teens can give off the cuff answers because they don’t allow time to fully think about solutions/options or they don’t want to disappoint someone or get in trouble. Do not use this technique for chronic or repetitive lies.
Model and create the culture for truth telling
Caregivers of children at any age can set the stage by reminding children that perfectionism isn’t expected. Avoid labels like “liar” and focus more on the skill you want to replace it with. Lying, just like any behavior, can be shaped into unhealthy coping patterns. At a young age, you can work with your child’s brain development and use lying as an opportunity to foster truth telling and honesty. Open dialogue is key. It does not mean you dismiss lying, but rather focus on skill building so that the lying does not grow into something more detrimental. If lying continues into adolescence, you can shape the environment by saying things like, “I’m going to ask you a question about something you did yesterday and you might tell me something that I don’t want to hear. Sometimes we do things without thinking and people make mistakes. Even if I am upset, I love you no matter what. Before you say anything, I want you to be honest.”
If you have growing concerns with your child or teen’s behavior and are looking to learn more, Contact Dr. Bobal today!