How to improve my child’s behavior: The power of positive attention

The Power of Connection: 8 steps to connect with your child and improve behavior

Attention. A word we hear often in conversations with children, teens, and adults. Do “they are just attention seeking,” or “they’re just doing it for attention,” come to mind? Let’s replace the word attention with “connection.” Children not only enjoy connection, they need it. As adults, we are able to differentiate between negative attention (e.g., boss reprimanding you) and positive attention (e.g., gift from a loved one) and we guide our behavior based on those interactions. The child brain is still developing and interprets this attention quite differently. If children do not receive feedback for their attempts to engage in new or appropriate behavior, the attempts may cease or the opposite might happen. They may do inappropriate behaviors in order to get attention from you—or simply to connect. See, for many children, any attention is good attention, just as any connection is good connection. Therefore, connecting with your child for their attempts to try new things or their engagement in appropriate behavior is one of the most effective ways to teach new behavior and encourage resiliency. It will also increase the likelihood that your child or teen will engage in more appropriate ways for connection in the future.

There are several different types of positive attention or ways to connect with your child, including praise (telling your child directly what it is you notice/like), rewards (access to screens, child/parent time, toy), or affection (high five, hugs, kisses, pat on back). If used effectively and meaningfully, connection is one of the most powerful and positive behavior management techniques and also provides opportunities for building children’s resiliency, coping mechanisms, and overall skills. For many children, even replacing the word “attention” with “connection” can be a helpful reframe in how we perceive their behavior as a need for connection with others rather than blatant “button pushing.” So the next time your child interrupts you from across the room just to show you their cool dance move you’ve seen 10 times…think of that “attention seeking” as your child’s way of connecting with you. This approach is really all they know and it is ultimately how their brain learns.

Just like anything in life, it is good to have balance. Whether you are a single or working parent, have multiple children, or are just emotionally pulled in many directions throughout the day, it is important to first recognize that yes, you are doing the best. Second, providing attention and connection moments does not mean you have to give your child the most connection at all times throughout the day. Rather, think of it like filling your gas tank, but instead you are filling your child or teen’s attention/connection tank with good fuel. It’s not always about the amount of connection, but more importantly about the quality and intentionality. Children and teens are intuitive and can tell if the connection is not fully there. So, where to start? Here are a few tips to make the most out of your attention/connection with your child and how to most efficiently fill their tanks even when yours is low.

1.)   Excitement. Showing positive emotion and enthusiasm for your child lets them know how much you enjoy the behavior or efforts with which you are noticing. When you share that enthusiasm with your child it can help build self-esteem and confidence that they can do new things! If your child is not enthusiastic, but rather uncertain or unsure, a good rule of thumb is to match or mirror their feelings related to a new behavior and add in enthusiasm as you see fit! It is important not just to praise success with a behavior, but the positive efforts and attempts even if they are unsuccessful—this is the resiliency piece.

2.)   Immediacy. The timing of positive attention or connection is key. As adults we may like the praise our boss gives us a week later, however children have short attention spans and their brains rely on immediate and relevant links. If you wait too long to provide positive attention after a behavior (hours, days, etc.) the power of that connection weakens and children may either forget and/or misinterpret what it is you are praising them for. Rather than noticing their ability to clean up their toys the previous morning, you may inadvertently be providing attention to their jumping off the couch a few moments prior.

3.)   Specificity. The more specific you are with your praise, attention, and connection, the more likely your child will remember and link that connection to the positive behavior or efforts you want to increase. Generic praise, such as “nice work!” is good, however specific praise, such as “that was nice of you to help your sister pick up toys,” leaves no question as to what efforts you are noticing. When you are specific, they are more likely to increase that behavior in the future. As a parent, you are also showing your child that you are paying attention to their efforts and that these attempts matter.

4.)   Start small. If you can’t find something to praise or positively connect on, adjust your expectation. Giving attention or opportunity for connection to even the smallest of improvements helps shape the eventual behavior you are hoping to increase. For example, if your goal is to have your child clean up all of their toys independently, give positive attention for even getting a single toy in the box. While it may be frustrating or require baby-steps, consider this an investment.  You are planting seeds and eventually your child will learn that continuing this behavior and improving day to day will get more connection and a sense of internal gratification or pride. Once they have mastered the small improvements, start to shift to bigger goals (cleaning all toys).

5.)   The power of opposites. Positive attention should always be positive. Yes, of course you will have moments of misbehavior or times you have to correct your child. It is important to attend to the behaviors that cannot happen at the same time as the bad behavior and most importantly, the opposite of the misbehavior. For example, if you are concerned with your child’s yelling, praise anytime you notice them talking in a quiet “indoor” voice. It is impossible for a child to be yelling and also have a quiet voice at the same time. See what we did there? If you are concerned with your child’s noncompliance, acknowledge the times they do listen to your instructions. Thinking ahead and anticipating moments in which your child tends to misbehave can also help you be mindful about all of the other positive behaviors they are doing.

6.)   Individualize. Ultimately, you are the parent and you know your child best. Tailor your positive attention based on what your child likes. If they don’t enjoy a lot of attention towards them in front of others, but love when you give them a discrete high five, know the power of the high five. If they do not enjoy hugs or kisses, try praise. Remember, positive attention or connection is meant to be motivating and empowering for your child, not a negative experience. You know your child better than anyone and this is a great way to include the type of connection they do enjoy.

7.)   Ratio. The goal for utilizing positive attention and connection is a 5:1 ratio. Meaning, for every negative or corrective statement you say to your child, you should have 5 positive attention/connection opportunities. If you have to step in to intervene with your child hitting, find more ways throughout the day to acknowledge the time they use gentle hands.

8.)   Timing. As mentioned previously, immediacy of positive attention after a desired behavior is important. Timing of positive attention after a misbehavior is also important. The goal is to not give positive attention to your child too soon after a negative behavior has occurred. A good rule of thumb is to wait for the child to engage in positive behavior for approximately 20 seconds after the negative behavior has stopped (e.g., your child is yelling in the grocery story but stops and waits quietly in line for 20 seconds). Parents, this is a guide and do not feel pressure to have an internal timer. The overall goal is to allow the child an opportunity to engage in a positive behavior and use this as an opportunity for them to learn. If you provide positive attention to soon after the negative behavior, your child may think that the negative behavior (e.g., yelling) is what is receiving the positive attention. If you ever have a question with timing, ask yourself, what behavior do I want to increase, the yelling or the waiting patiently? You might ask—well what do I do to stop the misbehavior as I can’t simply just wait there in silence for 20 seconds? If you have to intervene during an inappropriate behavior, in a neutral and calm voice state (or model) what behavior you want to see and then allow an opportunity for them to follow through.

*For more general information, tips, and strategies to support your child or family, contact Behind the Behavior Psychology or follow along for more blogs! If you’d like to learn ways to tailor and practice these strategies as they relate to your family, schedule a time to meet with us today!