How can I use rewards and consequences to motivate my child? Part 2

Part 2: Using Effective Consequences

How to use real consequences to improve/teach child behavior and build emotional resiliency

Alright, you may have a few parent tips and tricks up your sleeve when you are trying to get your child to clean up their toys, get through a grocery trip, or follow through with healthy habits at home. If not, check out Part 1: Using Incentives: How to use rewards to improve/teach child behavior and build emotional resiliency to learn about effective strategies and scripts to use to help foster your child’s behavior and skills. By using strategies that align with your child’s brain development, you help build natural motivation, emotional resiliency, and regulatory skills so they can develop increasing independence and confidence over time. The use of rewards or incentives to get children to engage in appropriate behavior is based in our brains desire to access positive outcomes. Your child’s behavior cannot always be managed through use of positive rewards or reinforcement as it is natural for them to push boundaries, make mistakes, and learn. Here is where consequences and follow through come in.

While consequences are a natural part of learning, they tend to be rooted in fear-based punishment as this is often the most immediate and possibly satisfying result in the moment. It is also what we have been traditionally trained to do. So if punishment is not the answer, how do I discipline my child? Great question. Have you tried using timeouts, threats, yelling, or lengthy consequences only to find that your child likely repeats the very behavior you were trying to stop? Does this create a cycle of yelling, guilt, and exhaustion? There is a reason why we use these tactics and the answer is not because you are a bad parent. Rather, we all have likely been disciplined this way and utilizing these strategies align with our brain as they help us escape a(n) [annoying, negative, frustrating] moment with a child, even if it is brief. So, lets go back to what we know. If the first steps of shaping positive behavior are to understand and align with your child’s brain development, then we need to do the very same when the inevitable happens and you have to address negative, dangerous, or inappropriate behavior. The key is to build your own skills by using a step-by-step plan that allows you to quickly, confidently, and calmly respond in a way that holds a firm boundary, helps your child’s brain effectively learn a more appropriate behavior, and stops a negative behavior in it’s tracks. By following a step-by-step discipline plan that is consistent over time, it helps you feel confident in responding, rather than reacting. To tailor a plan specific to you and your family, you can work with a psychologist or someone trained in child development and behavior. In the meantime, here are few strategies to start. Similarly to how bribes differs from a rewards, punishment differs from discipline. Punishment tends to be an in-the-moment reaction to stop an undesired behavior and it is grounded in fear. It may work in the short term. Discipline is grounded in natural and real consequences and helps children learn appropriate behaviors, rather than simply get better at avoiding fear. It works best for long term skill building.

First, here are three steps to utilize when you need to hold a boundary in the moment. Consider this your script to use when needing to step in and provide a consequence.

1. Communicate the boundary -“The Warning.”

   • Being clear about the boundary or expectation is crucial. If your child is not aware of a boundary, they are unable to better learn behaviors to align with your expectations. If they don’t understand expectations, they become reliant on your strong reaction to signal an inappropriate behavior, rather than learning ways to independently monitor and regulate their behavior (which is what we ultimately want). Clear and consistent expectations, as well as reminders of these expectations, should be developmentally appropriate. The important part is to always label the boundary prior to an anticipated event or when you see escalating behavior, even if you think they should know it. Try this…

     • “Please play gently with your toy trucks, if you are too rough you will break them”

2. Label the behavior that is crossing the boundary- “The Narrator.”

   • Acknowledging behavior helps the child link their behavior with the consequence. Sometimes this happens naturally (such as if the truck breaks, there is no more play) and other times you will need to link it (such as aggressive play with a peer may eventually harm someone). This is an important aspect of growing. Think of yourself as a narrator in a movie or a sports broadcaster. While it may be hard to take the emotion out of it, especially with repeat or harmful behavior such as hitting, it is important to confidently and calmly swoop in an identify the behavior. You can intervene physically to block or remove items if needed. Try this…

     • “Looks like you are having a hard time playing gently with your trucks”

3. Take the lead- “The Confident-Calm Disciplinary.”

   • The consequence of unsafe or dangerous play is that playing with that toy will be stopped. At this time, the child is aware of the boundary, what they have done to cross it, and there is no negotiating, begging, or yelling needed. The message here is that the child needs to learn to play safely and that they can try again another time. This is where you as the adult are helping to teach and model boundaries. Learning and growing is a process. By taking the lead, you are getting the same brain satisfaction as punishment-based discipline, but you are focusing on a specific skill that will help them learn self-control. You also provide a space to teach other skills like impulse control, regulation, or conflict management. Try this…

     • “I’m going to put the trucks away for now so they do not get broken. We can try playing with them again after dinner.”

While the script above can be adjusted to certain behaviors of young children and help in the moment, it is ultimately the strategies you use day-to-day that help make consequences effective. Ensure you are utilizing these strategies with Part 1 to help reinforce new or appropriate behavior, establish boundaries, and set the stage for those effective in-the-moment discipline strategies.

1. Follow through.

   • Similar to timing and consistency in Part 1, follow through is essential with setting up expectations and maintaining motivation for child efforts. If a reward is expected or promised and is not offered, your child may not take you seriously or they may not have the desire to try the next time. Similarly, if you threaten a consequence and do not follow through, they will learn that they can continue to engage in that behavior. Imagine expecting a pay check and having it not show up in your bank account. Imagine never getting a speeding ticket no matter how fast you drove. Every time you follow through, your words gain more credibility.

2. Clarity and Conciseness.

   • It is important to be clear about rewards and consequences, and how your child is to earn or receive them. Rewards can be created collaboratively with your child at any developmental level. Specify what exact rewards will be offered, such as a hug, “good job,” a sticker, extra screen time, or toy and what your child needs to do to earn them. The more specific the better. Rather than “cleaning your room,” consider “putting your stuffed animals in the basket.” Children may be able to talk openly about some consequences, although it is important for you as the adult to establish clear boundaries and it is okay if the child does not like them. These may be those “house rules,” or “life rules,” we think about naturally that a child needs to learn. A child’s brain is still developing to learn about boundaries and learning to cope with them is also important for overall development.

3. Catch your child being “good.”

   • While it may feel like it some days, children are never always engaging in negative behavior. If your hyperactive child is sitting still for a minute as you buckle their seat belt, take notice! It is important to let children know you notice their efforts, even if small, during difficult times or in new environments. If you are caught in a cycle of discipline, without acknowledging positives, they child will lose motivation to try. Try to catch your child being good, no matter how minor or insignificant it seems to you as an adult. A good rule of thumb is to catch your child being good atleast 4 times per day. If you can’t find something….start small. The best way to end undesired behavior, is to reward or shape appropriate behavior. Remember, your attention is powerful.

4. An earned reward is an earned reward.

   • Never take away rewards that have been earned by your child. If your child earns a reward and then gets in trouble for something unrelated or subsequent to the action, let them keep the reward. Why? You can use other methods, such as consequences, for the negative behavior, however it should never affect something they have earned for previous and appropriate behavior at the time. Taking away rewards take away credibility and can defeat the sense of purpose in the child. The goal is to increase opportunities for children and teach your child they can work hard and see positive outcomes. Removal of an item as part of a planned consequence can be effective, as long as the child has opportunities to access it back and learn the appropriate skill.

5. Attention is your superpower.

   • While parenting itself is a constantly evolving superpower, it is important to remember, once again, how powerful your presence and attention is for your child. Promoting and teaching positive behaviors and habits in your child helps them develop not only skills, but a sense of autonomy, independence, and connection between their efforts and outcomes. Whether you are catching them being good, following through with a consequence, or supporting them when they are frustrated, your presence and attention is your most powerful tool.

If you have concerns about your child’s behavior, development, or you are curious in learning more about using rewards and consequences, reach out to your child’s providers or Behind the Behavior Psychology today.