How can I use rewards and consequences to motivate my child? Part 1
Part 1: Using Incentives
How to use rewards to improve/teach child behavior and build emotional resiliency
As a parent you might ask yourself, how can I motivate my child? How can I teach them appropriate skills? Why can’t they just do what I ask? Is providing too many incentives bad? It is important to acknowledge that children are not simply tiny adults. Their brains actually perceive, interpret, and learn differently. However, one thing adults and children have in common is the desire to access rewards. As an adult, you may be motivated to work to make money, go to the gym to experience improvements in physical or mental health, or even drive the speed limit to avoid an expensive ticket. While as adults we have developed many habits to guide our behavior over time, young children are more simply driven by access to, or avoidance of, specific things or contexts. What does this mean? Children tend to engage in behavior that results in a positive response or they engage in behavior that results in avoidance of something they dislike. As adult caregivers, it is important to provide contexts that are appropriate for children to develop a strong foundation of coping skills and emotional resiliency, even during challenging times or moments of low motivation. Yes, it sounds easy on paper, but we all know how triggering it can be when you have repeated yourself for the fifth time, cleaned up the same toys over and over, or you are trying to avoid the seventh sibling conflict of the day. During frustrating moments or times of crisis, we naturally jump to bribes, consequences, or punishment—because to us, this alleviates even the tiniest bit of frustration in the moment. In Part 1 of this blog, you will learn the difference between bribes and rewards and how to incentivize your child to engage in or develop certain behaviors. These strategies not only help your child develop important skills, but allow them to strengthen their capacity to navigate challenges independently as they grow. In Part 2 of this blog which will be released on 7/8/2021, we will explore strategies to use when it seems like these incentives are simply not enough.
Okay, where do we start? First step, we need to clear up any confusion about a reward versus a bribe. While both a bribe and a reward offer something in exchange for a desired behavior, it is the way they are offered that makes a difference. Bribes, unlike rewards, are typically not planned ahead of time and are utilized as a last-ditch effort during a time of crisis. For example, your child throws a tantrum in the store for that snack on the shelf and you say, “if you stop crying, I will buy you the toy near the register.” On the other hand, rewards are planned ahead of time so that your child is aware of what to expect and is clearly linking appropriate behavior to access to a reward. Although bribes can be helpful in the moment to manage stressful situations, the negative long-term consequences outweigh the in-the-moment benefits. If you bribe the child in the grocery store when they are yelling, what are they learning? They may learn that in order to get that tempting snack, all they need to do is throw a big enough fit. Rather, if you set the expectation ahead of time, such as saying “In the store we are only getting things on this list. If you sit in the cart and help me find the items with a quiet voice, we will stop at the park after!” Here, they are learning that it is important to follow a plan (the list), engage in appropriate behavior for the context (quiet voice in store), and for their hard work they will get something they enjoy (play at park). Consider the use of rewards as a long-term investment to developing positive child behavior and regulatory skills. In addition, by setting clear expectations, your child develops a sense of autonomy and makes the link between positive behavior and desired outcomes. Eventually, tangible rewards such as a toy, sticker, or activity, may evolve into internal gratification, positive self-talk, and/or feelings of happiness due to their accomplishments. If rewards are an investment, how do you know what to do? Below are five tips in how to effectively utilize rewards.
1. Start small and simple.
It is important to set realistic and achievable goals. If your child does not believe they can achieve their goal and access the reward, they will have less motivation to try. You can always increase the goal after initial success, but it is harder to regain efforts if it is too difficult. A good rule of thumb is to create a goal that your child can reach on 3 out of 4 opportunities. This means they will still have to work hard to access the reward, but it is do-able. For example, if developmentally your child is unable to sit still for 20 minutes, set the goal for five minutes. After they sit for five minutes during quiet activity time, they can earn their sticker. Eventually you will work up to the end goal.
2. Desirability and Feasibility.
Rewards must be desirable for the child. Rewards must also be feasible to offer as the parent. It is important to choose rewards your child wants and what they are willing to work for. A good starting point is to consider your child’s interests. Something you have that is free and powerful…your attention and presence. Parental attention is incredibly desirable for children and your presence is often the greatest reward. Consider offering your child a brief list of options and allow them to practice autonomy with selecting. Allowing them to pick their own rewards also increases buy in. You can try saying, “would you like a high five, a “good job” from mommy, or a sticker for your chart?”
3. Praise child behavior not traits.
The goal is to reward your child’s efforts to learn or work through new and difficult things. Praising behavior or efforts, such as hard work, encourages your child to work hard in the future. You want to be careful not to praise traits, such as intelligence (“you are so smart!”) as these are qualities that are outside of your child’s control and can impact self-esteem. For example, if your child gets a good grade on a project at school, you can consider praising hard work or other observable actions, such as how well they organized their materials, practiced, or worked with a partner. When focus is on a trait, such as “You are super smart,” your child may internalize that intelligence is linked to positive outcomes rather than what is in their control, which is hard work or perseverance. How will your child feel if they fail a test or encounter a challenging subject in the future? They will then link the fact that failure is because they are not smart, rather than use that perceived failure as an opportunity to change behavior and improve next time (e.g., study more, ask for help). The goal is for them to grow confident in their capacity to engage in behaviors to reach a goal, as well as their capacity to cope with hardship.
4. Reward good habits not good outcomes.
Similarly, the goal in using rewards is to teach your child healthy or positive habits that will eventually lead them to independence, confidence, and success with many future goals. Many children many not know what behaviors help them achieve a goal, but they are curious in trying. They must learn that their efforts, amongst other contextual factors, such as asking an adult for help, can help them reach their goals. For example, it is more important to reward your child for studying and getting good sleep before a test, rather than rewarding them for getting an “A” in class. Once you get in a good rhythm with rewarding individual behaviors, you can shift to rewarding consistency of behaviors through more delayed rewards. For example, “You worked so hard on completing that Lego building for five straight days, great job! Now it’s time to go get the additional pieces you wanted.”
5. Timing and Consistency.
Rewards must be given consistently and regularly. This is where having clear expectations and predictability come in. We want to teach children the link between efforts and positive outcomes. In the beginning, it is important to give access to the reward immediately after the appropriate behavior. In addition, consider offering smaller rewards (e.g., sitting at dinner time each night allows 5 extra minutes of play before bed) rather than delayed rewards (e.g., sitting at dinner table tonight will get you a new toy for your birthday in four months). Developmentally, a child’s brain is not able to delay gratification for distant rewards, therefore smaller, more consistent rewards can be most effective in early stages. Remember, a reward can be as simple as saying, “Good job for sitting quietly,” so make sure they are feasible and can be provided consistently.
What do you do if your child is not engaging in the expected behaviors to earn a reward or they are engaging in problematic behavior? Follow along for Part 2 of this blog next week!
If you have concerns about your child’s behavior, development, or you are curious in learning more about developmental activities, reach out to your child’s providers or Behind the Behavior Psychology today.