Supporting Anxious Children During the Holidays
7 Ways to Support Your Anxious Child During the Holidays
‘Tis the season for the fun holiday cheer, school breaks, get-togethers, traditions, and cookies….ohh the cookies! With all the joy, why is it that the holidays can also be so stressful for your child and family? Children with anxiety may not always look forward to the ever changing holiday hustle and bustle and if they do, their brains are still learning to adjust. While Covid-19 has changed much of how we celebrate or approach holiday traditions, the holidays in general can peak anxiety in children. School breaks might feel like a relief of stress for many kids, however, this break in routine can trigger stress for children with anxiety, as well as their families. So, what do you do?
Fear not! Supporting your child’s coping does not mean you have to stay home until the new year when the holiday lights dim. During a season where “balance” is often thrown out the window, consider shifting the perspective so that you can still enjoy all that the holiday season offers, while using it as a natural time to help your child’s brain cope with change. Anxiety is not always the withdrawn child clinging to your leg. For some children, anxiety may present as irritability, easily triggered tears, clinging to parents, or avoidance of family members. It may also look like boundary pushing behavior, noncompliance, or psychosomatic symptom such as, headaches, stomachaches, or other unexplained bumps and pains. By having a greater awareness of what child anxiety symptoms look like, you may have a better understanding of what lies behind some of your child’s atypical behavior during the holidays.
Here are a few ways to support your child’s coping during the holiday season while still maximizing the time you are safely spending with loved ones.
Keep/update a family calendar.
If you already have a family calendar, update it with all of the planned holiday events, as well as “potential” activities. If you don’t have a family calendar, now is a great time to start as your child will naturally be curious about events during breaks from school. Keep your calendar of events at home and put it in a high traffic area, such as the kitchen. The child brain is best able to process and anticipate change in visual formats. Keep typical/regular routines present, as well as holiday plans. Thus, if something does pop up (we know they always do!) your child’s brain has some semblance of structure to reduce worry. The part of the brain that signals anxiety often blocks off the thinking part of the brain. Even small changes can trigger a “threat” for an anxious child so having an easy way for them to visualize/organize chaos helps put this perceived threat into perspective. A visual schedule can reduce anticipatory anxiety, as well as provide the predictability that calms the brain. When your child can see plans regularly, they can better anticipate change and also have an opportunity to practice coping strategies in advance. When possible for some events, consider giving your child a choice of selecting a holiday activity and have them write or circle it on the calendar. This gives them a sense of autonomy and control the brain craves!
Set realistic expectations for your family.
Anxious children crave routines, as it helps them know what to expect. Any disruption to daily routines, coupled with the influx of gatherings, social events, and holiday happenings can be overwhelming. As the caregiver, consider being picky when it comes to scheduling events and parties for your child. It can be helpful to balance loud, busy, overstimulating events with quiet times at home (e.g., extended family gathering vs. listening to holiday music making cookies at home). Consider your child’s routine as a seesaw. If they are overloaded with stimulating environments, their symptoms and behavior may go through the roof. To help balance out the seesaw, look at the schedule to see if high stimulation events have a counterpart of low stimulation events.
Balance changes in schedule with regular routines.
Consider what aspects of non-holiday routines can remain consistent. Breakfast or sleep schedules can be a great place to start! Even if you allow your child to sleep in, try to keep it within a half hour change. Anxious children crave routines because they help create a sense of predictability and control during time of change. The more consistent you can keep the “basics” schedule, as in sleep, eating, and self-care, the smoother the transition during and after the holidays. The thing with basic routines (the ones your child may not consciously pick up on as impacting their mood/symptoms/behavior) is that they can have a big impact on anxiety symptoms before the day even starts. Consistent unhealthy eating routines and poor sleep can heighten anxiety, as well as your child’s ability to cope.
Track your child’s symptoms.
You know your child best. Tracking your child’s symptoms can be helpful as you can anticipate what settings may be most triggering for them. No need for a fancy planner or behavior tracker, simply take note of the environments where you may start to see your child’s behavior shift. This can help prepare your brain for settings that may require intentional parenting strategies and times where you can take a breather. When you have a better sense of what lies behind your child’s behavior, particularly anxiety, the behavior may become less triggering. Punishing anxiety (that comes out as problematic or externalizing behavior) is not supporting the root cause. Thus, it can be helpful to become more familiar with your child’s symptoms and be curious as to what their behavior is communicating.
Prep ahead when you can.
While trying to maintain balance, consider aspects of the holiday routine that you can prep ahead. Use your calendar to help guide what aspects of the “unpredictable” you can make somewhat predictable. Remember, it is all about balance. For younger children, consider packing healthy snacks prior to big holiday gatherings to reduce overindulging in unhealthy foods and sugar rushes. If you are planning for lengthy holiday travel, consider helping the family create a holiday play list. Prior to dinner at grandmas, encourage your child to pick out their outfit the night before. As much as you can get your child involved in the planning process, they can feel a sense of ownership and predictability during the holidays.
Model boundaries.
If your child has social anxiety, forced interactions with family members or children can be triggering. It is acceptable to enjoy the party from the sidelines and allow your child to be exposed to situations without forcing interactions. Given that Covid-19 has changed much of what holiday greetings, interactions, and safe engagement looks like, you can model for your child different ways to greet or say “goodbye” to family and friends. For example, rather than saying, “give grandma a kiss and hug,” you can say “how do you want to say bye to grandma today, a wave, air kiss, or hug?” For some children, you can practice this ahead of time. You are not only validating your child’s emotional experience, but also modeling that you respect your child’s autonomy in how they connect with others by giving them a sense of control. Providing options encourages your child to try other appropriate ways to safely interact with others, rather than isolation or ignoring.
Consider the 80/20 rule.
If you are going to stick with any parenting tip, keep this one in your back pocket! The holidays are not the only time during the year where there is change. In general, consider that 80% of the time you are engaging in healthy behaviors, routines, and intentional parenting strategies and about 20% of the time, it is okay to change up and go into survival mode. Leftover holiday cake for breakfast? Why not? Late night movie night, sure? It is not realistic to hold a perfect schedule at all times. Thus, don’t feel the pressure to make sure all is routine, structured, and planned 100% of the time. When you are attempting to find balance for your child, it can be helpful to model that sometimes things will be different and that is “okay,” as you are there to navigate it with them. Ultimately, you want your child to know that if/when they experience something challenging or different, you are there with them, rather than always solving it for them. Children enjoy aspects of this change when in moderation! The 80/20 rule highlights that you can engage in typical routines, eating habits, and schedules the majority of the time while still normalizing that it is healthy and okay to go off schedule and do what you need to do to support your child or family. For more information on developing emotional resiliency in children, read here.
Happy Holidays from Behind the Behavior Psychology!
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