How to teach emotional resiliency in children
Why teaching children about thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is important
“Why did you do that?” “What’s wrong?” “It’s fiiiiiiine.” Do these phrases sound familiar? Trying to make sense of your child’s behaviors/emotions is not an easy task. At a young age, children have the capacity to learn about their thoughts and feelings, and how to manage them. The trick? Teaching it in developmentally appropriate ways in their natural environment. With your help, they can first learn to identify, practice, and develop healthy ways to understand their emotions and cope with future challenges. By teaching emotional skills just as we would academic skills, children are better equipped to tackle problems and cope with big feelings. Remember when your child was 18 months going on 16 years? Well, there is a reason why toddlers have the confidence and accompanying meltdowns to take on the world. At this age, children only have the capacity to think concretely through their own experience. They have a hard time grasping adult concepts, applying what seems like simple logic, and they can’t think beyond their own thoughts and feelings. Until the age of seven, most children are yet to have the capacity to truly combine ideas separate from their own thought. This is just how the brain develops. This is why a toddler who throws their ice cream tantrums when they then discover it’s all gone. In our mind we might think, well…if you don’t throw ice cream on the ground, you wouldn’t be sad. In their mind, they are mad, sad, and expect someone else to simply feel the same way and help. Learning at this time consists of building experiences in a safe world through play and exploration. While children under the age of seven may not grasp adult concepts or logic, you can begin to provide developmentally appropriate language. For toddlers, here’s where you can start..
First, narrate their experiences- “You thought the toy store would be open,” next, label their big feelings- “That makes you feel really sad,” and last, model means for a solution- “It’s okay to be sad and cry, the store will be open tomorrow, what do you want to play with at home?” Around the developmental age of seven, most children can then begin to shape these experiences and learn the difference between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how they are connected. Children can learn that everyone navigates problems, both big and small. In order to feel comfortable and confident in knowing how to navigate these problems, it helps for them to know how their thoughts, actions, and behaviors are all different, as well as connected. For elementary school children, here’s how you can begin to shape the process..
Thoughts. Remember, children around this age are just starting to grasp skills related to logical and rational thinking. Therefore, try and make abstract thoughts as concrete and relevant to their experience as possible. Try using language such as, “thoughts are the words that skip through your mind,” or “thoughts are the words you tell yourself about what you notice.” The important thing to teach is that there are many different thoughts that you could have about things you experience. To help teach children that all people have thoughts that may differ from their own, try and think of a few examples that may apply to your child
“When you run outside in the rain, you think “This is SO fun!” and dad thinks, “I will get wet, I don’t like getting wet.” Both thoughts are okay.”
2. Feelings. Feelings can be hard for children to learn at a young age, because they may not have the language to describe complex emotions. This is why the narrating and labeling of their emotions in real time is important during early development and when they enter school. By finding language or symbols to represent these big feelings and examples for reference, they can begin to grasp how feelings link to thoughts. Try using language such as, “feelings are not the words, but what you might feel inside your body,” or “feelings come and go every day when different things happen to you, some feelings are comfortable others might be uncomfortable, but we can be detectives and learn what they mean.” The important lesson here is to teach that feelings aren’t good or bad, they tell us a lot, and everyone has them. Similar to thoughts, try and find concrete examples and stick to them.
“When you learned you have an upcoming spelling test you said, “I think I am bad, I don’t want to do this.” It’s okay to feel nervous, it’s because you want to do your best. Here is the list of the words your teacher gave, I can help you practice. Do you want to practice in the kitchen or at your desk?”
3.) Behaviors. Observable behavior and actions can be easier for children to grasp, because it is what they do. It is important for children to learn about thoughts and feelings because now they can begin to see how both relate to how they behave. Cheers to logical/rational thinking, right? Around the age of seven for most children, the capacity for them to see how thoughts and feelings impact their behavior emerges. Prior to this, thoughts-feelings-behaviors were all just a jumbled mess.
“You think math homework is easy and fun, so you feel happy and want to do that homework. When you feel happy, you will want to go to school and learn more the next day. When you have spelling homework, you think you are bad, and you feel worried or sad. When you feel worried or sad, you want to skip school and stay at home.”
Teaching young children about these complex ideas is not an end point or a simple lesson. Let’s face it, we still learn how to navigate these very things into adulthood and never truly master them. The goal isn’t to master control, it is to learn to grow more comfortable and have the capacity to navigate our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. While some children will be able to develop these skills naturally in supportive environments, others may need additional support depending on their own experiences. If you or your child would benefit from learning more about how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors interact, as well as ways to identify and develop healthy patterns to manage them, there is support. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is one evidence-based treatment approach that can help you recognize negative or unhelpful thought patterns, learn more about how they impact your emotions, and help you develop new patterns and habits. CBT with children above the developmental age of seven is a collaborative, educational, and exploratory space for children to discuss and make sense of their anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, sadness, or the challenges they experience with peers or loved ones. If you’d like more information about developmentally appropriate ways to teach and model these skills for young children or you would like more in depth support for your child’s unique circumstances, talk to your child’s school support team, pediatric providers, or reach out to a psychologist or specialist.