Ways to help your child become a strong advocate and build self-esteem

Helping students better understand and find language for their learning style is important. As you likely notice, children are incredibly intuitive and observant. Therefore, if they do not have a healthy or accurate understanding of their skills and needs, they come up with their own reasons for why aspects of school may be different or challenging (e.g., “I am a bad student”, “I am not smart”). Students with learning/neurodevelopmental disorders or differences, such as Dyslexia or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, are at an increased risk of development of anxiety or depressive symptoms due to internalizing their learning differences as something negative or bad. This risk increases as the demands of school increase throughout middle and high school. It is not unusual for a child with learning or executive functioning weaknesses to display some anxiety regarding their performance in school or with their engagement in social settings, despite other cognitive, academic, and social strengths. This can be particularly relevant for students with social awareness who are able to interpret complex situations, yet struggle to regulate worry about their own behavior. As a parent or caregiver, it is an innate response to want to shield your child from discomfort, pain, or negative feelings. However, in school, they are naturally exposed to environments where they may observe differences or get feedback from peers or teachers. So what can you do for your child when they are out of your care? How can you help them become confident, emotionally resilient, and strong advocates? 

Help them build skills. To reduce any anxiety, negative thoughts about self/abilities, social withdrawal, and low school motivation in school, it is important to model and provide language for your child’s individual strengths, learning needs, and development. Not sure how to determine your child’s learning style? Check out the benefits of psychoeducational testing and how to be proactive with your child’s learning even if they do not have any observable learning difficulties in school. If your child has a neurodevelopmental disorder or learning difference that may impact them in school, start first by evaluating the basics..

• Set up the environment

  • Children of any developmental age can absorb ways to understand how their brain works. Start simple. It is important to assess your child’s readiness with talking openly about their learning needs and what areas would be important and relevant to discuss. Some children and adolescents are not ready or willing to speak up. You can model good advocacy by talking with your child, as well as talking objectively, positively, and openly when they see you talk with others, about learning differences in a comfortable and safe manner. If your child hears you whispering to a teacher whenever you talk about something to do with their reading, they may pick up on the fact that their skills are something to be ashamed of or negative. Begin by creating an environment that talks openly about individual strengths or differences, such as “I have a hard time remembering important dates at work, so I have to write them down in my calendar like this.”

• Ask, listen, and validate their experience

  • If you perceive your child is not comfortable or ready to talk to others, find a natural time to talk about their thoughts about school. Many students can feel embarrassed or ashamed for having different learning needs (e.g., small group reading support or a fidget chair). Consider asking your child’s teachers for observations about their interactions in school. This is an opportunity to learn about your child’s perspective and to validate their experience. From here, you can find the relevance. Ask your child directly or through play to talk about their experience/perspective in school and to identify one area of preference (things they enjoy/feel confident in) and an area of little to no preference (things they dislike). By asking about preferences, versus what is “hard,” it can help identify areas that are likely hard for them without them feeling ashamed. If your child talks about frustrations during reading, use this as a starting point for later steps. If your child is open about their learning strengths and weaknesses, validate their experience and reflect on their needs, “Ah, it makes sense why tests are hard, you have a hard time paying attention.” If you are having a hard time connecting with your child or determining what is behind any learning concerns, reach out to your child’s school or a psychologist.

  What to teach your child to say to teachers or school staff

  1. Name the learning difference or diagnosis in an objective and specific manner

  • Keep language simple and accurate. It should be direct, such as “I have Dyslexia” or “I have ADHD.” Even though teachers likely have this information, it is good to have your child develop habits of naming their learning difference or style. If there is no diagnosis, you can replace it with another short statement, such as “My brain takes longer to read.” By building language, children can normalize their learning style rather than question their sense of self and abilities. By knowing the “why,” children have less anxiety about the unknown of why certain things in school may be hard. In addition, when your child grows comfortable and confident in providing explicit, direct, and accurate information, there is no confusion or misinterpretation (such as thinking a child is being noncompliant or not “motivated”) on behalf of teachers or peers. If your child has been evaluated by a clinical or school psychologist, neuropsychologist, or educational specialist, ask them for support in what language to use based on your child’s development and strengths. Not sure about the differences between these professionals? Check out this blog, What is a Child Psychologist?

  2. Be as specific as possible about things that are historically difficult

  • After your child has named their learning difference or diagnosis. Help build a script. Not all students with learning differences behave or learn the same. It is important to help your child find one to two ways to discuss how their learning style impacts their learning in a traditional setting. You can adjust the amount of scripts based on your child’s development. For younger children, consider starting with one, such as “With my ADHD, I have a hard time listening to the teacher when there are a lot of distractions.” If you need support with developing these scripts, reach out to your child’s school, a psychologist, or learning specialist.

  3. Help them identify strengths

  • It is important to teach your child that their learning style is not always about what is “hard,” or “bad.” Help your child identify and recite a list of things that they are good at. If they have a hard time identifying strengths, talk with your child’s teachers or label what you observe. By building this list for your child, not only does this contribute to self-esteem, but it will also help teachers include them in activities that tap into their learning strengths. For example, “I am really good at math and work best when I work with my hands.”

  4. Encourage your child to tattle on themselves

  • Children with learning differences can struggle in traditional school settings and their coping strategies may be viewed as something different. It is important to have open and clear communication with your child’s school team about their needs and accommodations. However, it is also important for your child to feel comfortable sharing bits of information about these behaviors when needed, such as when there is a substitute. For example, your child may work with a therapist to help them regulate their attention in school, yet when they use these strategies in school (e.g., doodling), a teacher may interpret this as being off-task or distracted. Therefore, help your child learn to advocate in advance regarding strategies they use to manage their learning differences. By having these discussions ahead of time, it helps your child learn to communicate openly and problem solve with teachers in order to identify coping strategies that work best. It also helps reduce the need to justify their actions later on. For example, “I listen the best when I fidget with my shoelaces during circle time. Last year my teachers thought I looked distracted, but I could hear everything. Once they knew why I was fidgeting, they helped me find ways to pay attention without distracting others.”

  5. Do a trial run

  • Start small. When your child is ready, have them practice what they might say at home. By practicing scripts, it takes away any anxiety or strong emotions that may be linked with saying something “on the spot.” Consider writing or drawing images for scripts for visual learners. By practicing, you can also help provide feedback to your child as they learn to practice in a safe place with trusted caregivers. If helpful, model a script you use at work or home. If you do not feel confident in practicing, there may be support at your child’s school or you can contact a psychologist or learning specialist for help.

  6. Help your child identify the red flags

  • Let’s be clear, it is not solely your child’s responsibility, at whatever age, to determine the best supports, explain their learning differences, and create an environment that’s supportive. There should be collaborative and wrap around support between the family, providers, and the school to support them in this journey. The goal is to help them become developmentally appropriate advocates so they can learn when and if their needs are being met, and if supportive environments are not fostered. Once your child has a script and/or feels confident in communicating their learning style, strengths, and needs, it can be helpful to provide them with clear examples of what they are entitled too and when their needs are not met. For example, “Because I have Dyslexia, I have a teacher who will check in with me during tests to make sure I understand what is being asked.” If your child is not getting accommodations, as outlined in an individualized education program, 504 plan, behavior plan, or similar school support plan, help them spot some key supports and when they are not provided. Then, provide an outlet, such as who to talk to. No need to explain all supports, just some that are observable and relevant for your learner. Be specific, such as stating, “if you take a test and you do not have extra time, you can talk to me or Ms. B".”

*It can be hard to know how to support your child and know how to practice these skills. There are many specialists out there to support your child’s academic progress, sense of self, and advocacy. If you want to learn more about your child’s learning style, including strengths and weaknesses, as well as what is behind any behavior impacting their achievement in school, Contact Dr. Bobal today!