The 5 G’s of preparing for change

Change? Ever dreaded it, anticipated it….

If this past year has taught us anything, it is that change hits hard and just when you get to normalize the abnormal….some abnormal change happens again. Many schools throughout the country began the process of re-entry into in-person academic settings this spring and just as children begin normalizing new routines, it’s time for summer break! Whether you are still navigating the re-entry process or anticipating what it will be like for your child this fall, you can begin to prepare your child’s adjustment to re-entry today. Every family is different and so is every child’s ability to navigate change. These strategies and parenting tips can help your child cope with integrating back to school and prepare their transition back to other pre-pandemic activities. Surprise…it starts with establishing or adjusting routines! Creating an environment to support your child as they cope with new routines also helps foster healthy emotional regulation for all of the inevitable change they will experience in the future.

1. Give Grace

   Change is difficult, particularly for young children who are not always able to express their feelings in words. Just as they get used to navigating the routines of virtual learning and social distancing from peers, now the old “normal” will feel unfamiliar again. Many children display difficulties with separation, sleep changes, shyness, tantrums, or opposition, even for activities they previously enjoyed. Some behavior change is expected when going back to school or re-engaging with social activities. Theses outings are natural opportunities to teach flexibility as well as model co-regulation for your child and it’s also okay if your child needs additional support. Give yourself grace as your child’s adjustment will likely not happen over night, so take one day at a time and start during summer months. Not all change is negative, but to children it may feel this way. While they may anticipate feelings of excitement or nerves, setting the stage to “okay,” all feelings will help—including yours. Allowing your child to experience the stress in a safe and predictable manner helps them learn that difficult feelings from change are not permanent and there are ways to cope. Take one day at a time.

2. Get Talking

   Talk openly with your child about what might be difficult or hard to get used to, as well as what will stay the same. Talk openly about routines, including the changes (e.g., getting up earlier, taking a school bus) and what will remain the same (e.g., making lunch on their favorite plate, meeting with their teacher). Using visuals to write out similarities and differences can also help, especially if the child can be the “teacher,” and actively engage in the process. Lastly, talk about what you would like your separation routine to look like—and practice.

3. Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

   Using language such as “you’ll be fine,” or “it won’t be bad, you love school,” typically comes from a supportive place, yet can actually make the transition more difficult. Why? If your child hears that they will be “fine,” and their strong feelings tell them otherwise—they begin to believe that their feelings are wrong, bad, or not appropriate. This can induce further anxiety about an already scary change. Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are, and they can tell us a lot. An innate parenting response is to want to reduce the discomfort or any anticipated pain that a child may go through. Lean into this. Research shows that when children are provided with developmentally appropriate details or preparation about an uncomfortable, painful (e.g., medical procedure), or new experience, they are better able to cope with big feelings. When they become familiar and prepared, the anticipation lessens and the big feelings they feel are validated and familiar. In the long term, children learn that any discomfort they may feel might be hard and it is “okay” because they have the tools and support from trusted loved ones to get through it. Ultimately, growing comfort with big feelings aids in healthy emotional coping as well as regulating strong emotions. It can also help children learn to differentiate when they need help. Start by talking about what you know regarding the changes you identified. “Getting up earlier for school will be hard and you may be frustrated. That’s okay, it will get easier the more we practice,” or “You might feel sad when Daddy drops you off to school and you can’t go with him. When you feel sad you can choose to wave out the window or draw him a picture. He will pick you up when you are done at 2:30!” Also, talk with your child’s teachers about what the routine will look like when your child is out of your care in school so you can include these details.

4. Go with what you know

   Start small and stick with what you know and what your child already feels confident and comfortable with. First, identify what routines will be a clear change, as this is typically the most apparent and what sticks in our minds and theirs (e.g., timing of wake up, school drop off, separating from a parent). Second, identify any existing habits that just need slight changes. For example, if your child enjoys helping make lunch, keep this routine and gradually start a new habit of packing lunch together and celebrate the fun aspects of the change. If the morning routine is roughly the same but rather then going to their virtual school desk they must pack their bag, have the child set up their bag and grab it from the virtual area. Visual schedules, whether using pictures or words, are a helpful tool for children to see similarities and changes in routine, as well as teach flexibility. Practicing these routines during parent/child time is also important. Children learn through play, so utilize these opportunities to practice new routines. If your child enjoys playing with cars, have them recreate the trip to school. If your child enjoys pretend play, have them be the teacher and you the student as they enter school. For some children, you may need to provide more explanations or in-depth engagement in these changed routines. For other children, you may just need to adjust small aspects of routines or incorporate themes of change during their play. You know your child best and you can tailor these strategies for what works best for you.

5. Get celebrating!

   Celebrate the victories, big and small. If your child helped pack their lunch, win. If your child got up on time for school (albeit in full tears and groans), win! If you missed the bus and somehow still managed to drive in on time, win! Spend 5 minutes of uninterrupted time with your child each evening doing something your child chooses or enjoys, regardless of how the day went. Tomorrow is always another day.