7 Ways to create balance with technology without the battles

While you are likely not alone in worrying about your child’s screen time, it can be hard to truly know how much is too much. Over the past several years, use of screens have infiltrated not only the leisure world, but also education, appointments, and everyday tasks. Therefore, it can be helpful to consider your child and family’s overall health and wellness when considering how much is too much.

Ask yourself these five questions…

1. Is my child enjoying non-screen time activities, hobbies, or extracurriculars such as scouts, sports, music, art, etc.?

2. Is my child keeping up with basic responsibilities in school and home?

3. Is my child getting adequate sleep and exercise appropriate for their development?

4. Is my child engaging in quality time with family and friends?

5. Is my child responsive to current boundaries with phone/screen usage, such as no phones at dinner or during homework?

If your answer is “yes” to all of these questions, then your child’s use of screen time is likely not impacting their day to day functioning, brain development, or overall health. If you find yourself answering “no” to more than one, then it may be time to place boundaries on screen time.

Setting boundaries around screen time may feel impossible, especially because all of us have likely developed habits with screens throughout the pandemic. It is important to cut yourself some slack. Technology has served a huge role in our efficiency and functioning and just like any change, we may not always know the best ways to respond until it becomes a pattern. Social media platforms, games, and technology in general is structured and built to keep our attention, and for children/teens, their underdeveloped frontal lobes gravitate to the immediate gratification these little devices provide. As adults, we too have learned to rely on efficiency and may forget what it was like before the immediate gratification of searching something on Google or instantly finding directions online. The goal is balance. Technology will be a part of your child’s life for the long haul, so even though we might like to cut it cold turkey, it is more beneficial to model and practice healthy balance with technology.

Before you implement change to current screen time routines, try these three strategies…

1. Plan in advance, not as a punishment.

   1. Any change can be difficult, particularly for children and teens. If you are thinking about adjusting screen time boundaries/rules, talk about it in advance and consider starting during an existing transition. For example, rather than starting the new family rules on a busy Friday, consider waiting until a Monday or after a school break. It is also important to avoid implementing change after a big blow-up or argument. Instead, consider planning it after a heightened emotional moment has passed so it can be approached logically and thoughtfully. While “punishment” for too much screen time or breaking the rules may minimize the behavior, it does not in itself help teach other healthy replacement habits. Consider it more of a lifestyle change rather than a punishment.

2. Take the '“calm/cool leader” approach to skip debates and avoid the guilt trips.

   1. When it comes to changes to your child or teen’s beloved screen time, lengthy parent rationales will not do much. In fact, your child’s emotional brain will likely be firing and they won’t be consuming much of your well thought out debate. Whatever the plan is, try your best not to get bogged down in the argument and simply: highlight the emotion- “I know you feel angry about this change and that’s okay,” reiterate the change/boundary- “We are still adjusting screen time after break to help our family get into better habits,” discuss a time in the future to revisit goals with their input- “We will revisit it in 2 weeks to see how it goes, I’d like to hear what your thoughts about changes.”

   2. In addition, your child may have several go-to responses or reasons for their use of screen time that will hit a soft spot. It may be helpful to prepare in advance for what might pull at your heart strings. They may talk about how playing games is the only way they hang out with their friends, that their friend’s parents allow them to use as much screen time as they like, or that they might miss out on social opportunities. Just remember to cut yourself some slack, as these reasons will likely subside once they learn other ways to connect with their friends and have better balance. Social media, gaming, and FaceTime may be a part of your child’s regular social routine and that is okay, as these changes will likely not impact their overall connection to the level they anticipate. Help them reframe/prioritize time with friends when they do have access to social media (e.g., after homework). This is where the “check-ins” can be important following a brief trial period (see # 3).

3. Try and go easy on yourself and your child.

   1. This will be an adjustment for everyone. To gather buy-in from your “three-nager” or teenager, it can be helpful to re-evaluate or compromise after a bit of a trial run. You are modeling that there can be flexibility, particularly related to long-term health habits and goals. If helpful, you can take their lead during a trial run, and find objective and measurable ways to track whether “their way” is in fact impacting aspects of functioning, such as sleep, homework, family dynamics, etc. For example, if your older child or teen is convinced that talking with friends through the iPad does not impact their homework completion, track their timing and consistency with homework for one week and evaluate it. You are teaching them to identify and track goals, as well as accountability. If they can show you that their screen habits are not impacting their functioning or wellness, then great!

Alright, now that your prepped, here is how you can stay the course and implement greater balance and boundaries with screen time…

1. Map out problem areas or unstructured screen time blocks for your child(ren) and family (e.g., after dinner, morning before school, etc.). Then, identify times where screen time is allowed/healthy (see #5). Unstructured screen time is often a great source of distraction and entertainment for children and teens while also the most challenging to regulate due to their brain development. After you’ve identified the unstructured time slots, you can begin to start planning for new routines.

2. Identify replacement behaviors/alternative options and be open to brainstorming with your child. One way to reduce the frequency of screen time is to get your child involved with other activities where they cannot engage in screen time. Consider your child’s interests and recruit their input. If your child participates in an art class, it can take up to 2 hours of the usual time they sit on their phone. Not a fan of art? Try sports, music, reading, or other activities that are free and accessible (e.g., going for a walk with the dog). Essentially, set your child up for success with other healthy habits.

3. Introduce the changes with compassion, not out of a form of punishment. It is not uncommon for children or teens to push the limits or even get creative/sneaky with finding ways to access technology, particularly if they know it is off the limits. Letting your child or teen know that you understand their needs and that this is a family change (rather than an act to sabotage their fun and connection) can help reduce stress or boredom. Setting screen time limits on devices can be a helpful backup plan. If they will continue to be tempted, or push boundaries, consider more restrictive measures during “off screen” times, such as locking up the screens in a parent bedroom while charging.

4. Use the motivation for screen time as a reinforcer for good or appropriate behavior. If your child completes their homework, they can get an extra 5 minutes of screen time. If your teenager is willing to take more responsibility for chores, they can earn more time for gaming. Consider “partnering up” with screen time to support you and your child’s goals rather than viewing it as a nemesis. Consider putting the requirements/goals in writing or visual format. Ultimately, you are teaching your child that if they complete appropriate, healthy, or desired tasks, they can have access to a reward. In the time it takes them to complete the tasks to earn the reward, it has likely taken away time from their usual screen time anyway.

5. Keep a consistent schedule. Revisit your “unstructured” or “problem area” time blocks and set specific times of the day or week when your child is allowed to use their screens. For example, after homework from 4-5 they can have screen time. Having structured times where they can access screens is helpful and motivating for their brain. It also helps your child or teen know what to expect and it reduces the power struggle that comes with requests later on. By giving them designated times to access screens, you can prioritize your own time/tasks when you know your child will be busy or occupied. A win/win!

6. Be a good model. It likely goes without saying, but your child or teen is watching you. If you make the point of setting aside your own screen and following the family boundaries, they are more likely to do the same without argument. Also, the health and wellness goals you are trying to reach with your child, may also have the added benefit for you.

7. Emphasize healthy connection on screens. FaceTime or video chat with family or friends can be a positive way of connecting and maintaining relationships, particularly at a distance. It also helps practice positive use of screens as a form of being present and in the moment with others, rather than only watching videos, scrolling through social media, or gaming with virtual avatars. Set a time each day, week, or month to prioritize connecting with loved ones.

Looking for more information or wanting to schedule? Contact Dr. Bobal today!