Why do children or teens get anxious about starting school again?

While going back to school after summer break can be exciting for some students, others can struggle with anxiety when heading back for a new school year. This anxiety can be increasingly more present for students with pre-existing anxiety for change, separation, or school, as well as for students starting at a new school. Anxiety is a natural response for new or experienced transitions and can naturally fade for most students as the weeks and days go on. While natural, it can also be hard for a parent or caregiver to see your child in distress, particularly if you know they will either love or be “just fine” in their new class or school. The role of the parent or caregiver is to recognize signs of anxiety (this can look different for everyone), validate, and gradually prepare your child to lean into the anxiety to overcome it rather than avoid it. It is an innate response to want to prevent any distress or discomfort your child may experience, however, when supporting anxiety the message should be one of validation and letting them know that “yes, this is scary, and I am here to help you through it". While some children may need more direct or intentional skill building from a professional when it comes to coping with anxiety, here are seven tips to ease back-to-school anxiety so it does not grow into bigger fears, avoidance, or self-doubt.

1. Check in with your child or teen a few weeks before school

   • You know your child or teen best. Whether your child is prone to experiencing anxiety prior to the start of school or your anticipate that this separation, change, and adjustment back to routines will be challenging, just take note. Anxiety can present differently for children or teens, even those in the same family or home. You may observe increased signs of irritability, avoidance of talking about school, excessive worry, disruption to typical routines, stomach- or headaches, or sleep disruption. These, amongst others, can be symptoms that your child may be experiencing anxiety regarding the upcoming school year. Some children or teens may be able to identify this as anxiety and if so, it will be important to find ways to either talk about or sit with the anxiety they may experience. This is your time to listen, validate, and learn more about their perspective, not try to solve in the moment. Listen for things they might be worried about. While you may think you know what they are anxious about, don’t assume. They may be more worried about making new friends, who they will sit with at lunch, or missing the bus, rather than separation, having new teachers, or attending a new middle school. Checking in with your child casually is a good way to assess their insight into any anxiety and their perspective, as well as any areas to target in terms of support.

2. Resume school-year routines about 1-2 weeks prior to the first day of school

   • Anxious brains seek routines and predictability and find it comforting. It provides a sense of perceived control and familiarity for something that seems unknown or scary. While you may be trying to pack in last minute vacations or soak up any little bit of summer fun, it is important to start transitioning back to school-year routines. It is okay to have some flexibility here, as gradual versus rapid change is more helpful for adjustment and developing good habits. Revisit some of the core routines from the previous school year or spend time thinking about what new routines you’d like to start. This can include gradually re-adjusting bedtime routines, setting out clothes ahead of time, helping to prepare lunches or snacks with your child the night before, or evening “wind down” times that could mimic homework periods. When adjusting to earlier bedtimes, gradually adjust nighttime routines by 15 minutes and go from there. If it’s easier, start dinner or other evening activities 15 minutes earlier so children are naturally prepped for earlier sleep routines. Do not feel pressure to have to do all of this at once, start with what feels manageable and natural for your family. The goal here is to create a gradual transition to prepare your child or teen, rather than abrupt change that can actually increase anxiety due to rapid changes in sleep, everyday routines, and tasks come school time. Too much change at once can shock the body and brain, which in return can exacerbate even mild anxiety.

3. Review resources the school offers in terms of “walk throughs” or visits. If nothing is structured, visit the school before the first day as many times as you need

   • Many schools offer “walk throughs” or visits before the first day of school. Check any intake packets, teacher welcome letters, and school websites for options. These are natural ways for your child to experience a new school or check in on new classrooms with other students and families. If it helps, make a day out of it. Prep your breakfast, mimic school drop-offs, check out bus stops, and shop for school supplies after. If possible, coordinate with other families or your child’s peers for a joint visit. For students transitioning to middle or high school, utilize these visits as an opportunity to visit any lockers or to walk through where their classes are. A large source of anxiety for older students is the increased expectations of independence and executive functioning when juggling multiple teachers, quicker bell times, and locker organization. For younger children or first time students, you can often visit school playgrounds if needing more contact and familiarity on site.

4. Set-up play dates with familiar peers prior to the first day of school (and encourage older teens to reach out to friends)

   • Peer engagement is a big source of learning and comfort for children, and can also be a large source of anxiety. Research on child development and school adjustment highlights that children who experience the presence of a familiar peer or adult (teacher, coach, etc.) during new school years or transitions have better outcomes in terms of academic, mental health, and socio-emotional adjustment. If able, arrange for play dates with familiar peers or students in the child’s class, grade or school prior to the start of school. A large source of anxiety, whether your child is aware of it or not, is the social aspect and experiencing this new change while feeling “alone.” While this may be the source of anxiety or challenging for families moving to a new area, attending a new school, or for children who may struggle in social realms, consider step 3 as an opportunity to build that familiarity and to foster potential relationships at a new school. If you are new to the area or your child is attending a new school without familiar peers, consider joining or reaching out in local school list-serves, Facebook groups, or on the “school events” page. You may find many other parents who are looking to connect or are new to the school or area. For teenagers, spending time with peers prior to the start of school also allows the opportunity for them to talk about their worry, excitement, or dread for another year, all while comparing schedules, lunch times, and after school plans.

5. Create a drop-off or separation plan with your child dependent upon their developmental level or needs

   • Rehearse drop-off plans and practice these routines in both school and non-school realms. For younger children, separating from parents can be a large source of anxiety and distress during initial days. While it is common for young children to experience separation anxiety during initial days, most anxiety will fade with consistent and familiar routines during drop-offs, teacher hands-offs, or bus stops. A swift, yet mindful, separation is best. For parents or caregivers, this can be the toughest part. The more you linger, wave, or go back for an “extra” hug, can actually make separation worse in the long term. Review your school’s policies and locations for drop-offs, bus stops, and pick-up as this can change from year to year or school to school. The more you are familiar, you can prepare your child. During school walk throughs, become familiar with the teacher and communicate in advance if you anticipate your child may be anxious. This way, you and the teacher/school are on the same page and the routine you are practicing will actually come to fruition during initial anxious days. When calm or during play times (for younger children) talk about, create, and model what these moments will look like and you can individualize for each parent or caregiver who may be part of the routine. For example, your child may like a high five, spin, and hug during drop-off but on days they have to take the bus, they want you to write them a note to read when they get on. Allow the child to get creative and take their lead on what they would like. Then practice this weeks or days in advance! For some children, they may benefit from use of coming up with a small prize or reward they can earn when separating. For example, if your child is able to “practice being brave” at least three times during the first week while they walk into school without running back to the car, you can finally go to the new playground they’ve been wanting to explore. You can also incorporate separation themes through use of books. Find a few good ideas here!

6. Validate and sit with the anxiety

   • The hardest part about anxiety, particularly when we experience it in safe environments and when engaging in “safe” activities, is that we still want to avoid it. Anxiety instills a fight, flight, or freeze response. We need it to survive and utilize it everyday. It is the “smoke alarm” in our brain that signals a perceived or experienced threat. Smoke alarms don’t think, they just “react.” We also need our thinking part of the brain to help us problem solve to determine whether we can navigate these “threats” or if it is a real danger we need to avoid. Think of it as the, “Is my house on fire and I need to flee or did my husband just burn the pancakes,” phenomenon. Remember this for both the student and as the parent/caregiver. As a parent or caregiver, it will likely be natural to want to encourage your child or say things like, “It won’t be that bad,” or “Don’t be scared, you are going to love it just like last year!” Don’t worry if these types of comments come out, we are all human. These comments are coming from caring intent when we know our child can navigate something we think is “not that bad.” What these often kind and well-meaning statements do is invalidate the emotion the child is experiencing. While we may know through experience that this transition is safe and will “be okay",” your child’s anxiety is still present and strong. Therefore, it is more important to validate their emotion (whether irrational or not) and help them become comfortable with it so you can model safe and appropriate problem solving. The most important message to send is that what they are feeling is scary or worrisome and that you are there to help them navigate it. When we invalidate this emotion and try to force them to replace it, it will come up again and your child will learn not to trust their emotion and become increasingly more avoidant in the future. The goal is to lean into anxiety in safe environments with trusted others to help the brain learn to cope and problem solve with similar situations in the future. If in previous steps, you learn more about your child’s anxiety or they voice they are nervous about “XYZ,” validate that. “I hear that you are scared about not knowing your new teacher in 3rd grade, not knowing what to expect with someone new can be scary. I will be with you during visit day to help.” Follow up with some form of “I am here with you,” or a concrete routine that can help their brain prepare to navigate this “scary” thing. Keep it simple. Often, when too anxious, our emotional part of the brain overpowers the thinking part of the brain. Therefore, jumping into problem solving mode during these moments is typically left with resistance because your child’s thinking brain is not present until they are back to being calm. This is where routines and tips in the previous steps come in handy.

7. Check in with yourself to prepare for follow through on plans for seamless transitions

   • While on the topic of easing child and teen anxiety, let’s talk about the other side of things- you! While these strategies are general and can be tailored to support your child, teen, or family, it is important to recognize that every situation is unique. Check in with yourself about your own anxieties during these transitions. We are all human and know that any transition as a parent and caregiver can be rough to start. You too are going to be switching up routines, sleep patterns, and responsibilities during the new school year. While some parents/caregivers can take this in stride, others benefit from establishing their own routines in sync with their child. Whether you are a seasoned drop- off parent or benefit from strategies yourself, take some time to check in with yourself about what you need while supporting your children. Children and teens are intuitive and can often sense when parents are also navigating their own anxieties during separation or school change. Model these strategies alongside your child. If you recognize that you need more support in terms of your own use of coping strategies, or your child may benefit from increased skill building, contact a professional who can team up to help.

Have questions or looking to learn more information? Contact Dr. Bobal today!